(….and how we can blame God for our resulting obesity epidemic for that).

After the Creation, God decided there needed to be something to colorize all those bare rocky forms of this world of ours. So, he covered the earth with all sorts of edible plants like broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow, and red fruits of all kinds growing all over the place….just so Man and Woman could eat healthy and stay well, to live into grand old age.

But, Lucifer (aka Satan), when he saw all that, decided to short circuit God’s efforts for them, by creating ice cream and doughnuts as tempting alternatives instead. Free-will twits that they were, Man and Woman were immediately seduced by these new kinds of munchables, whereupon Satan said:”You want hot fudge with that?” Man, of course said:”Sure!” and Woman added:”…yes, me too, but don’t forget the sprinkles!”

And lo and behold, quick as a flash, both of them had gained ten pounds!

Seeing all this, God then said:”Why don’t you try some of my fresh green salads instead?” But Satan, like the wiley coyote he is, immediately countered that offer by whipping up a batch of crumbled blue cheese dressing and garlic toast as a side, with the result that Man and Woman soon had to unfasten their belts after such a feast. God just shook his head and sighed, saying: “Look, now here are some heart-healthy veggies and olive oil with which to saute them in a wholesome way.”

But, once again, Satan was ready to subvert such a move, countering it by producing some deep fried coconut shrimp, and chicken-fried steaks so big they needed a platter to hold them, along with chocolate cheesecake for desert. In very short order Man’s and Woman’s glucose levels were spiking through the roof.

Miffed by Satan’s efforts to sabotage his plans for their healthy life-style, God then tried a different ploy, by bringing forth running shoes to help his wayward children lose all those extra pounds they’d gained from Satan’s infernal works. But, Satan’s mama didn’t raise no fool, so he came out with a counter-ploy of his own, by offering them cable TV…. combined with remote control, so they wouldn’t have to exercise to change channels. Soon, running shoes were like yesterday’s news, as Man and Woman quickly turned into absolute couch potatoes, spending all their time watching the TV’s flickering light, laughing with pleasure at all its so-called reality entertainment. And before long the only clothes they could fit into were oversized stretch-type jogging suits.

At that point, God decided to come up with some stronger measures, and brought forth lean meat so that they might consume fewer calories while still satisfying their appetites. But Satan quickly countered that by creating the 99 cent double cheeseburger, saying;”You want fries with that?” To which Man, of course, said:” Hell yes….absolutely!” with Woman adding:”….and super-size ‘em, please!” All of which brought them both to immediate cardiac arrest.

Totally frustrated and mad as hell by all of Satan’s machinations, God, gnashed his teeth, muttered to himself, then clapped his hands together, causing a thunderous bang and flash of light, which brought forth quadruple bypass surgery to help save the day.

Alas, Satan still managed to have the last word because he then just created HMO’s, and then went out and bamboozled the Congress to pass Obama Care.

And that’s why, today, all that dietary sinning has brought us …. hell-on-earth.